I didn’t get to go to D’s funeral. It was this past Tuesday, and I had exams on Wednesday and on Thursday. Not to mention that I was halfway across the country.
But I haven’t really heard much about it.
This is way different from what happened with A. When A passed away, there was this huge outpouring of support. There was a chain text message in honor of her, we lit candles for her, people organized a memorial at school and the painting of the rock…
None of that this time.
It makes sense, I guess. This wasn’t an accident. Of course, the school doesn’t want to make it look like they’re condoning suicide. And all of us were mostly in shock and it hasn’t really sunk in, so I guess that’s why showing support is so slow. We’re still just really confused. And it’s the second one this year – that also changes the dynamic.
And I’ve only heard from one person about what the funeral was like. Apparently, it was basically SUPER Jesus-y and then these two random old men came to give speeches. One told his life story for about ten minutes and didn’t mention D at all; the closest thing was about how all his kids went to the same college. And then the other one lectured about how suicide is bad and he said that he had never met D, but he was glad this happened because he hasn’t cried in years, and he cried after this. So he now knows he had a heart. Jeez, it took you the suicide of some stranger to tell you that you had a heart?
Obviously, I am biased because I knew D and because I am hearing this from only one source. But still, this just angers me.
For A’s funeral, I did get to go. That one was also too much Jesus and not enough A, and it seemed like the Reverend officiating didn’t know A at all. But still, everyone else that spoke talked about how A had touched their lives and how fantastic of a person she was.
Not this random stranger business.
Having a lot of religion is fine. Having strong faith can provide great support in times like these. I fully admire those who truly believe and who need their faith to help keep strong, though I am not religious myself. But I disagree when the religion overshadows the whole point of the funeral. I feel like the whole point of the funeral services is to memorialize the one who passed away – to remember all of the great things that she has done, the great person she was. It is NOT to try to convert more people to whichever religion. And D was atheist! Religion playing a huge role in her funeral just doesn’t make sense to me.
This is also why it bothers me that there were those two men who didn’t even know D. What business do you have speaking about somebody you don’t know when she passed away? What good do you do to those who are in pain and suffering? Keep things to yourself and let those who can truly remember her to speak and memorialize her.
And the lecture about how suicide was bad…Please let me know if I have this wrong, but people generally attend funerals because they are in mourning and because they’ve been touched and they loved the deceased. We’re already in pain – don’t you think we realize that suicide is bad? What, do you think that we think suicide is good when it took away somebody we loved?
And saying that suicide is bad, I feel, also carries a negative message about D. And although I don’t agree with what she did, and I am hurt and maybe even angry that she went through with it, I think that at this time, we should be trying to focus on the good things. About how she was smart and funny and so sweet. Not attaching this stigma to her and not painting her as a suicidal girl. She was far more than that. And at her funeral, I think it should be about remembering the good times that we had with her and what a light she shone on our lives.
A lot of people are angry at D for committing suicide. They say that she was selfish and that it was wrong. I admit it, I was angry at her too, for it. How come she didn’t trust any of us to even tell us about it? How come she didn’t think we cared enough about her to want to help? And yeah, in a way, this is an easy way out, leaving the rest of us in pain.
But there’s no point in being angry at a dead person. And more than angry, I am sad that she was in such a position that she felt that way. It’s tragic that she had gotten to such a point that she didn’t see anything in life worth living for. And I wish that I could’ve somehow made her see how precious life is, but it’s too late for that now.
It’s too late for anger or sadness to be of any use anyway – she’s gone. The best thing to do now, I think, is to just remember how lovely of a person she was. There’s no point in blaming people, there’s no point in spreading rumors about her. Doing all that just vilifies her…and she wasn’t like that.
I don’t know. Throughout all of this, I’m just so confused and I don’t know how to feel or what to do. I’ve been avoiding thinking about it and it’s really easy for me to get absorbed in something else. But then I feel guilty that I haven’t grieved for her right. Bah. It just gives me a headache.