It’s my opinion that teachers and doctors are two of the most important groups in society. (Of course, there are many other important figures in society, but I think these two are particularly important.) Doctors are important because they are there to heal and because they take people’s lives in their hands. Teachers are just as important because they play such a huge role in life at such an early stage and throughout.

So I am just utterly disgusted at some of the teachers that I have seen.

As a teacher, you don’t just teach kids how to divide fractions or how to write in iambic pentameter. Teachers serve as authority figures who, maybe more than anyone other than parents, provide examples and role models for what a child (or even an adult!) should aspire to be. The encouragement of a teacher can change the course of a life dramatically – for the better or for worse. A teacher can help a person learn more about themselves and the world around them not just in terms of facts but in terms of actions and feelings.

I’m just shocked that some teachers don’t realize how much responsibility they have. I’m shocked that some teachers don’t realize that the whole point of a school is to nurture the students not the teachers, not the administrators, not the reputation of a school. Schools are instituted to provide education for their students and so their focus should be on providing the best education they can for their students.

Teachers hold so much power over the courses of well, everybody’s lives, and it’s appalling that just as one person, I’ve already seen so much abuse of that power.

I don’t want to get specific because this is, after all, the internet, but I’ve seen racism, personal vendettas, ignorance, and just plain old meanness. And I just cannot comprehend how these people became teachers. How in the world did they step into this profession of all professions with such disrespect for the lives of others?

I understand that teaching is not an easy job. It’s not like it pays millions and there’s a lot of work and energy that goes into it if you want to do it properly. I only have experience tutoring for a few hours at a time and even that is completely exhausting. I understand that teachers are human beings, too. I don’t expect teachers to be flawless and never sin. What I expect is for them to put their prejudices aside and be especially careful in their actions so that they can be good role models and heck, decent human beings.

That’s not to say that I’ve seen all bad teachers. I’ve been very lucky to have had some amazing teachers over the years. When I was going through a rough time in sixth grade, I owe my survival of that time to my Gifted & Talented teacher. If it wasn’t for her, I don’t know how I would’ve gotten through that year. I’ve had teachers who welcomed me to new schools and got me going on a path that helped me to succeed. I’ve had teachers who’ve encouraged my passions and dreams and supported me to get to where I am today – I mean, getting into Harvard was obviously helped by a few great teachers, but more than just academic accomplishments, I have been shaped by fantastic teachers to become (I hope) a good person.

So to those inspiring incredible teachers, thank you.

For the rest of you, do your job.

I’ve always loved reading, writing, talking…Ever since I was little, I would imagine up stories in my head and I could be perfectly content just lying with my eyes closed and see the story playing out in my imagination.

Hey, even the Korean school contest thing that I entered for years and years (And, if you’ll allow me a moment to boast, won many a time) was called the Korean Storytelling Contest. When I was younger, my teachers recommended me for writing camps. I even won the English Department Award in high school.

So why in the world am I Pre-Med? Why am I sitting in a lab right now?

I’m not actually that good at science. I’m not bad. I got good grades in my science courses, I entered science competitions, I went to science research camp, I did fairly well on my science exams. By no means am I a bad science student.

Boy has that been made clear in college. Maybe it’s because I’m at H, but some of the hardcore science kids here are brilliant. Things just click for them. They enjoy the science. They adore the science. They breathe the science. They think in a scientific way.

I don’t.

But because I’m Pre-Med, I have to take these classes. And it’s frustrating to me, because in all of these classes, I understand the material (after some effort) but then I get marked down because I don’t present it in the correct scientific manner. I don’t think like a scientist and I apparently don’t write like a scientist, which isn’t what they want.

So then I don’t succeed as easily in these science classes, and it makes me embark on this horrid cycle of self-doubt and loathing. My self-esteem issues flare up after every science assignment. Science doesn’t come naturally to me, I don’t do well in it, it makes me feel bad about myself, I get scared to try harder because I feel like I’m still just going to fail, I don’t do well, over and over again. Even though I do actually enjoy science to some extent, this constant barrage of the feeling of failure makes me dislike it.

Yet I still keep on taking these science classes and I’m still going to keep on taking them. Because throughout it all, I still very much want to be a doctor.

And I honestly believe that I have what it takes to be a doctor. Yes, having a scientific background is important. But I know that when I get to be a doctor, I will know what I need to know in order to treat my patients. If there is additional science that isn’t essential, I can look it up. I will certainly learn and know what is necessary to help my patients. Knowing a specific mechanism is not going to be what I need when a patient tells me something hurts and asks me how to fix it.

What I firmly believe is more important in being a doctor is having the right heart. It probably comes off as all cheesy and cliche, but that’s what being a doctor’s all about – helping other people. I would much rather have a doctor who cares about me than one who is brilliant at science but can’t relate to me. I feel that doctors (and teachers, but that’s another thing) are such important figures in society. They have such responsibility and having the right motivation makes such a difference in the efficacy of their service.

And I think I can do that. If I do say so myself, my skills lie in interacting with people. That’s what I’m good at – caring for people.

And in the end, I think being a Storyteller does play a role in being a doctor. If you think about it another way, a Storyteller is a Storymaker. And that’s what being a doctor is to me – stepping into the story of someone else’s life and molding it and changing the plot – hopefully for the better.

So I have faith. In the end, things will all work out and even though I struggle with science classes now, I believe that my story will turn out to be one in which I work hard and become the great doctor that I dream of being. And for me, a great doctor isn’t one who wins lots of awards and makes a lot of money. A great doctor is one who takes the plot of his or her patients’ stories and turns the plot in a positive direction.

I’ve had to remind myself of that a lot this past year. And a lot of times I forgot that. I forgot why I was even bothering to try. But I’ve rekindled my love of writing and I am going to try really hard to keep writing, because it keeps me sane and it keeps me happy.  I just had the inspiration for a new writing project, which I am super excited about. There’s another one, too, that I’m not sure whether I’m going to embark on just yet, but it’s still forming. I still have my Six Word Memoir Tumblr, challenging me to have enough Six Word Memoirs to post every day. I still have Portrait, which I have rather neglected, but is still very much alive. (I started it 4 years ago, can you believe that?) And I have stories in other forms, too – that new project I just wrote about would require photography, which I enjoy now and then. I also have my Great Postcard Skyline Project, which was just featured in the Smith Mag Intern blog, giving me confirmation that I do have good creative ideas and that I do have that artistic spark.

I can’t deny that I’m a Storymaker. I think I was trying to do that and that’s why I was struggling and I was so unhappy this past year. So I need to not cover that up and not pretend that’s not who I am. Because I’m a Storyteller, a Storymaker. And hey, I want my story to be happy, don’t I?

But today there have been a few incidents leaving me feeling incredibly lonely and making me question if I was any good at making friends at all. Which I know in my head is silly and generally, I have enough confidence in myself and I know that I am actually really good with people and that I am likable and I have really great friends.

But I guess it’ s just that it’s Valentine’s Day and it’s never affected me that much before, but here I am, feeling mopey and like I want to watch a chick flick with a pint of Ben and Jerry’s.

I watched Valentine’s Day today with my roommates and a friend. How it happened was that I have become really good friends with S, who lives upstairs in my entryway. I don’t know her roommates, D and C, as well as I know S, but I kinda got to know them at S’s birthday party. Anyway, at some point a while ago, we were talking about how their room and our room don’t really know each other that well even though we live in the same entryway. And we mentioned how we should all go see Valentine’s Day together. So earlier this week, I was trying to organize it and made a Facebook event asking people when would be good for them and everything. But of course, people are busy and lazy and never responded and I was left trying to make this work for everybody. I ended up making a last minute decision to watch it yesterday and to go out to Boston Common and have dinner and make an outing of it. I feel like most of the time, we don’t really get out much and we need to have fun and actually make this like a special event. But it turned out that people were dropping out of it, one by one, saying that they couldn’t go. It ended up that if we had gone, it would’ve only been me and one other friend going to the movie and one friend joining us for the dinner. And none of my roommates ended up saying that they wanted to go (Even the one who had said Saturday was better, L, had suddenly made other plans) and so it was cancelled. And then I was talking about it with my roommates, trying to figure out what would work. And they were all like, “Why even bother going out to Boston? Let’s just go to it in the Square. And let’s not even go to a meal and let’s just go to the movie. Why do we need to do all that anyway?” And I tried to explain it to them and be like, “Well, I know it’s hard to get all of us to hang out together and I thought it would be nice if we made a proper thing out of it because we don’t really go out much.” And one of my roomies, E, responded, “Well, maybe YOU don’t get out much!” Now, understand that the dynamic of our room is usually that we call people out and we’re sarcastic and kinda like we’re attacking but we (generally) know it’s all in good fun. But I just felt hurt – I was trying really hard to get my friends to come together and to hang out and have fun and I wanted to place this whole friendship thing as really important and make this something special. But they were just like, “No, I have homework to do.” when I was trying really hard to make this work and I was willing to put aside my homework for a little bit to enjoy our time together as friends. And even though I know it wasn’t personal, it felt personal. It felt like I wasn’t really important and worth giving up some time for. And it made me question my place in my circle of friends – am I expendable? Am I just reluctantly allowed into the group but someone that they could do without?

Well, anyway, it ended up that all of my roommates and one of the friends (the one who would’ve gone yesterday as well)  going today and the movie was super cute, I really enjoyed it.

Around came dinnertime and all my roomies were gone. J was with her boyfriend, L was at rehearsal, M was probably with her who-knows-what-he-is-boyfriend-or-just-friend T, and E had just left. I was hungry, but I didn’t want to enter the dining hall alone. The dining hall is big – and fears started to creep in. What if I went down there and there was nobody I knew? Or nobody who I was close enough with to sit with? And I really wanted to go down to the dining hall, because I looked super cute today and I wanted people (boys) to see me. But I did NOT want them to see me looking alone and friendless. And so I texted a few friends, but one didn’t respond and one wasn’t feeling great, so she wasn’t coming. All of these feelings of neglect and unimportance were just scaring me and I was panicking inside, thinking that I was such a complete loser. And then E came back in, but she had been acting kinda weird today and she ended up bringing with her another friend who she was telling about her latest conquest. J thought that E was acting a bit weird because she had been pretty rude to us after the movie and maybe she just felt like she couldn’t apologize but still felt bad. Anyway, maybe that’s why E had left to go talk to the other friend. Anyway, it turns out that she had already eaten. Which of course, fed my terrors that I was unwanted because she hadn’t even thought to ask if I wanted to eat with her. And then L texted back saying that somebody else was getting her food. So I was still left with nobody. The anxiety was getting so bad that I texted my friend G, who has more serious anxiety problems than I do, and she said she would come with me.

And so I went to dinner with G and then went out with her to meet her friend M, whom I had met once before. That was nice and I didn’t feel so bad anymore. But then I came back to my room and went on Facebook and got a notification that I was tagged in a photo by a girl that is a member of this organization that I lead, but that I am by no means close to. So, I clicked on it and it was a picture of all these cute heart-shaped cookies and all these people were tagged and the caption was about how much this girl loved and appreciated them. I was still confused, but flattered. But I didn’t think it made sense, so I read through all of the people tagged to make sure I was tagged. My name wasn’t there. Read it again. Still wasn’t there. And throughout this all, I knew in my head that it didn’t make sense in the first place for me to be tagged and I hadn’t even believed it to mean me from the beginning. But I was still left feeling sad and friendless.

So yeah. This Valentine’s Day has served to remind me that not only am I a failure at getting boyfriends, I am a failure with friends in general. Okay, so I know that that’s not true and I don’t really believe that, but right now, I feel like it’s true.

I really am a failure at getting boyfriends, though. I actually thought there was promise with this one boy, C. He’s from Michigan, too, and we had the same interviewer for here, actually. I’ve never really hung out with him much, though. He lives in a house that’s at the other end of the row of houses and we don’t have any classes together. But I’ve always thought he was cute and he’s a really nice guy, from what I can tell. Earlier this year, I even made a mix for him. It’s not as forward as it sounds – he had put up on his Facebook that he had lost his whole iTunes library and I asked him if I could make him a mix because I love making mixes. Which is totally true. But anyway, over winter break, he had Skyped me and we had had a nice long deep conversation about his stresses and his worries about the future and the like. And then I saw him at this parade and he had given me a half hug, which I didn’t realize until after it was over because it was cold and my coat was thick. But anyway, I had an inkling that maybe he liked me, so I decided to be confident and actually kinda make a move for once. I Facebooked him and wrote that it was great seeing him and that we should really hang out more and perhaps have a meal together or something sometime. Clearly, this was with the intention of it leading to a date for real. Well, he wrote back and was like, “Yeah! Of course! And we should get all the other Michigan people to come too!” which made me slap my forehead in despair, since that was definitely not what I wanted. But I saw him that following Saturday at lunch just serendipitously and he asked if I had gotten his Facebook message. So we settled on having dinner that next day on Sunday and that we would ask other Michigan people. I kinda did. Really, I kinda asked a few other Michigan people. But I didn’t try that hard, of course. So then Sunday rolls around and about an hour and a half before we were going to have the dinner, he sends out an e-mail to some other Michiganders and myself inviting them to the dinner. I figured that if he had really wanted other people to be at the dinner, he would’ve asked much earlier. After all, we had decided at lunch the day before. So I took that as a sign that he really did like me! And I went to the dinner and it really was just the two of us, and it was really nice. We sat there for like an hour and a half and had good conversations and it was great. And then at the end, before we parted, I started to walk away and then I ran and gave him a hug and was like, “We should definitely do this again!” and then he responds, “Yeah, and maybe the other Michiganders will actually come this time!” Gah! I wanted to shake him and be like, “WHY do you keep on bringing up the other Michigan people?!?!”

But anyway. That was like two weeks ago, and I haven’t really seen him since. And my outlook on boys is as such: I’m not sure I actually want a boyfriend anyway. Realistically speaking, I don’t have the time and energy to devote attention to another person. It’s hard enough taking care of myself. But at the same time, and I know I’ve said this before, I still want to feel wanted. I want somebody to tell me I’m beautiful and that they care about me and love me. Heck, it’d just be nice to be told that I’m attractive from someone that’s not a gal pal or a gay guy friend. I’ve never had a guy outright tell me they like me before and sometimes that shakes my confidence. Like on days like today.

Sigh. And now I have to deal with my self-esteem issues about my schoolwork. Off to attempt a problem set!

I think I first seriously got into the internet when I was around 11. I say 11, because that’s when Degrassi: The Next Generation came out. I became seriously obsessed with it, even though I didn’t even have the channel to watch it. It doesn’t really make sense why I was so obsessed with it, considering I only got to see part of one episode. But I’m still like that, really – my obsession with Glee is pretty similar. But anyway, the reasons for my obsession is the subject for another post.

So at 11, I was exploring the internet and I knew I had to be careful. I knew that the internet was a scary place where creepy pedophiles would try to kidnap me or somebody would steal my identity. So, my brilliant idea was that I would just make up somebody on the internet to keep me safe. I wouldn’t use my real name and I could create a new person – a girl named Laura.

Initially, the username I picked was grlEgrl, because I really wasn’t much of a girly-girl at the time, and so I figured it could never lead the way to me. Of course, it turned out that I couldn’t fake who I was as a personality anyway, so that was all for naught. Then, for some reason or another, I had to pick a different username, and I think it turned into grlEgrlE? Or it might have been on other websites that required a different length of username or something, I don’t quite remember. And then, for some reason or other, I had to get a new one, and I ended up with lylgrle.

With these usernames, I made friends on the internet, friends that I still remember.

And so, if you happen to be reading this, and you were one of those friends, I sincerely apologize for lying to you. And I want you to know that although I didn’t give my real name, basically everything else was me. But yeah. Hi, my name’s actually Clara, not Laura. And I’d love if you dropped me a line and let me know how you’re doing.

So all those things about the internet being a scary place – totally true. It was so easy to pretend to be this Laura person that I made up. Granted, I didn’t change anything about me except my name, but still. It was super easy. Thankfully, I’m not a creepy pedophile or anything. Just a college girl expounding on her views of the world to nobody in particular.

But this whole thing of anonymity – It’s great in some ways, yes, but it’s also hurtful in others. And I know I’m not treading on new ground here, but the internet really DOES make it easier to be mean. There are so many things that you would NEVER say to a person to their face, but those kind of mean things are posted everywhere on the internet. It’s easy to forget that there are people behind the usernames.

I’ve definitely been hurt by it before. I had just turned 16, that lovely age when, according to novels and movies, all this romance and wonderful adventure is supposed to be happening. (It didn’t.) My mom’s friend had said that I looked a lot like this one Korean actress. And I had just discovered a forum on the internet devoted to Korean entertainment (Soompi – basically like the biggest K-entertainment forum, as far as I know). Now I was pretty new to the whole forum thing and I decided that I would post on Soompi asking if they could see a resemblance to this actress. I Photoshopped a picture of me that had me with makeup on into a picture of her because I thought that would make it easier for people to see if there was a resemblance in the face and not the hair and such. I didn’t realize then the power of Photoshop and makeup, to be honest, as I wasn’t particularly skilled at either, so when people balked at that, I was surprised, but I quickly replaced the picture with an untouched school picture.

Let’s just say that it definitely did NOT do good to a teenage girl’s already unsteady self-esteem to see some of the really mean comments that were posted. A lot of them weren’t bad – a simple sorry that they didn’t see the resemblance was fine. But there were some that were just plain hurtful. One person posted TWICE to say that I was really ugly and that I needed to lose a lot of weight. Another also said that I was stupid for even thinking that I looked a thing like the actress.

Yeah. Not nice.

Eventually, (though too late for my evaporated self-esteem) the topic was closed because of the bashing.

Yeah, I’ve been a silly young girl who was exhilarated by the freedom of the internet. But I really hope that I never forgot my manners and how to just genuinely be a good, nice person.

Words are so hurtful – And just because you’re some random person on the internet does not give you the right to abandon any semblance of compassion and to be mean to people. This includes celebrities – celebrities CAN read what you say. The entertainment industry I’m most familiar with other than American is Korean, and I know that there are serious problems with “netizens” over there.

But this is just general etiquette, guys. You’re a person. Everyone else on the internet is a person, too. They all have feelings and deserve respect.

Because, after all, it’s not like the Golden Rule suddenly has exceptions for the internet. “Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.”

Fox News and the New York Daily News posted a great list of ways to lend a hand, as did Cynical-c Blog.

If you’re on Tumblr, there are several users who are donating a certain amount of money based on how many reblogs they get.

• withoutbren
• clarkkentsalterego
• bschh

Tweet about how to help – Help Haiti, Red Cross, Yele, Donate are all trending right now and the more people know how to help, the better.

And you can use your texting skills as well. You can text “HAITI” to 90999 and $10 will be added to your phone bill and donated to the Red Cross. Or you can text “YELE” to 501501 to send $5 to Yele Haiti (a grassroots movement by Wyclef Jean) to help with earthquake relief.

My heart goes out to everyone who has suffered due to the earthquake.

We’ve never met (I don’t think) and we’ve never even talked.

You called the number to the university phone that’s in my suite about an hour ago. My roommate picked up. She thought you had the wrong number, but you said you just wanted somebody to talk to. You said your name was Michael and that you were feeling really sad. My roommate has an exam tomorrow morning and so, said that she really should go to bed but if you would just hold on a second, she could find you a number to call so that you could talk to someone. She thought I was asleep, because my door was closed. But then you hung up.

Michael, we’ve been worried about you. We couldn’t figure out a way to call you back nor who you are, and ever since you called, we’ve called our tutors and tried to figure out if we could do anything to get to you. But we don’t know how to reach you, so we’re stuck.

Michael, I really hope that you found somebody to talk to and that you know that people care about you. If you call again and I’m awake, I’ll pick up the phone and we can talk. But know that there are lots of people out there who would love to talk to you. And who love you.

Michael, today’s the anniversary of the death of one of my best friends. I was actually writing a message to her when you called. And, I really hope you are nowhere near this point, but another friend passed away this past year to suicide, and if you are thinking about it, please please PLEASE remember how many people love you and how deeply they love you. Life is so precious. Losing someone makes you realize how precious life is, and you are worth so much, the world can’t afford to lose you.

If you don’t believe that people love you, just think about us. My roommate and I are complete strangers, but we are so worried about you and we care about you. We hopefully did everything we could to reach you and we don’t know how you got our number or if you were just calling random numbers, but if you call again, we’re here.

There are always people there for you. Please remember that.

I’ve done a little bit of research and here are some helplines:

- 1 (800) SUICIDE – National HopeLine Network
- 800-273-TALK (8255) – National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

- http://www.befrienders.org/ – Michael, this might be exactly what you wanted. Its main goal is to connect you with somebody to listen.

- http://mentalhealth.samhsa.gov/hotlines/ – A list of hotlines from the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration
- http://www.focusas.com/Hotlines.html – Another list of hotlines
- http://psychcentral.com/helpme.htm – If you’re having thoughts of suicide

Well, I woke up this morning, checked some blogs, and learned that Jay has officially left 2PM.

First of all, I think Jay definitely needed to spend some time out of the spotlight. The official position as of yesterday had been that 2PM’s activities would be cancelled and basically, he would just be spending his time out of the public eye. This would’ve given some time for netizens to calm down and for this scandal to go away. I can understand Jay going back to America for a bit just to get out of that harmful environment. But I will be honest, I was disappointed that Jay decided to leave 2PM altogether. Jay was the leader of 2PM, he should be bringing 2PM together, not leaving 2PM behind in fragments. And regardless of whether he was leader or not, I feel like it didn’t require such an extreme action of leaving altogether for Jay to get his career back. If he had just waited it out, things would’ve been fine. And I would still have my whole 2PM to love and fangirl over. I understand what Jay’s doing, but it just struck me as running away, and it made me sad that it affected him to such an extent. But I, of course, may not know all the details, and if Jay felt that leaving the group was going to be best for him, then I support him all the way.

But the issue didn’t stop there.

Apparently, one of the netizens who had revealed the MySpace comments released an apology letter. A lot of the comments that I’ve been reading on the English blogs are saying things about how the apology is weak and some have even been as extreme as saying that the apology won’t be accepted and that netizen should go die.

Hypocritical, now that you think about it, huh?

NOBODY has the right to go tell somebody that they should take their own life. Life is the most precious thing we have and regardless of how horrible you think a person is, you don’t have a right to tell them that they don’t deserve to live. I wonder if any of the people who are telling the netizen to go die have experience somebody close to them dying? By suicide? Yeah, I had a friend pass away just months ago after committing suicide. Do they know what kind of a heartwrenching impact that was? What right do they have to hope for that much pain? That netizen is a PERSON. They have friends and family who care about them.

Telling that netizen to go kill herself is the same thing as the antis who had signed the suicide petition for Jay. It’s the exact same thing. Do these commenters know that netizen personally? No. Do the antis know Jay personally? No. Does either side have a right to demand a death? NO.

Yes, the netizen did wrong. And yes, Jay did wrong, too. But both sides have realized the consequences and have made apologies. Just like with Jay, this all needs to stop at the apology.

What’s done is done, right? That netizen had a hand in starting the controversy with Jay. But lots and lots of people also participated and made it into the big deal it became. That netizen isn’t solely responsible, although she does obviously have SOME responsibility. There’s nothing that can be done to undo her actions, so what needs to be done now is forgive and work towards making sure that netizens realize the consequences that can occur so that this kind of thing will not happen again.

I have to be honest. I’m disgusted with the audacity of people on both sides playing with people’s lives.

I guess this leads to the topic of how vicious the internet can be. Because of the anonymity that the internet provides, people feel like they have the right to say things that they would never dare say in real life. Also added on top of that is that because it’s the internet and it’s communication by the written word, tones may not be conveyed accurately and comments can end up being hurtful.

A less extreme example: I think I was a sophomore in high school when a family friend of mine said that I looked similar to this one female Korean actress. And so I went on to the biggest English internet forum for Korean entertainment and posted a topic with a picture of my head photoshopped onto the body of the actress and put it side-by-side with the original picture. I was relatively new to the internet fandom and I didn’t realize that I shouldn’t have done any Photoshopping at all, even though all I did was turn the head and put it on top. A lot of people were just like, “No. You don’t look like her.” which is fine, though obviously, a little bit hurtful to a 15-year-old girl. But I distinctly remember that there was this one person who posted TWICE saying in all caps how I was REALLY UGLY and things like that. Looking back, whoever that person was, it’s actually more pathetic that she felt the need to come back to the topic more than once and say that I was really ugly. In real life, you would never tell somebody that you don’t even know that they were really ugly with that much emphasis.

Anyway. The internet is full of immature people, and even with anyone, the internet unleashes a different mindset where things can be far more hurtful than it seems.

Regardless, I wish Jay the best of luck and I hope that people on the internet can take this to improve and make sure this doesn’t happen again.

One of my latest obsessions is the Korean boyband 2PM.  They’re talented, hilarious, and of course, very VERY attractive. (I could go on and on about my favorite boy bands…but we’ll save that for another time, yes?)

Apparently, a scandal has erupted in Korea around 2PM’s leader, Jaebum (or Jay Park). Click here to read an article about it. (I linked to Popseoul, because I thought their commentary was fairer than Allkpop’s.) Basically, some years ago, Jay had posted some comments on MySpace where he said “korea is gay” and “i hate koreans”, etc.

So, let’s talk about this.

First of all, I am very very much against using the word “gay” as a derogatory term. “Gay” does not mean stupid or lame or any of those other things. It’s the same thing with the word “retarded.” These words are offensive when people use them in that way. It puts down those who are homosexual or mentally handicapped. I understand that Jay and other teenagers use those words as slang and they don’t mean it that way, but that still doesn’t make it right. When you use the words “gay” and “retarded” to substitute for a negative thing, you are perpetuating an insulting idea that being “gay” or “retarded” is negative, is a bad thing. There should be neither a positive nor a negative connotation with a label of a certain group. It would be the same as saying a certain grade level is negative – You can’t say that 6th graders are bad or that 8th graders are good – What grade level you’re in has nothing to do with whether you’re good or bad. It’s the same with race categories. You can’t say that being a certain race is good or bad; the goodness or badness of a person does not depend on the race of a person.

In that same vein, saying that you hate a group of people is too much a generalization. Especially when the word “hate” is used. Hate is such a strong word; I will admit that I have used that word rashly in my life. And I understand that that word has become used in that manner in common, colloquial speech. However, in terms of public communication, this word should be used very carefully. Jay used this word years ago in what I’m sure was supposed to be a private conversation between him and a friend. Unfortunately, the internet is a scary place and he left it where anybody could find it. And as a public figure, Jay needed to have been more careful. Being in the public eye adds that responsibility. Of course, this does not excuse the misuse of the word by everyday people, but celebrities need to be more careful.

However, I do understand that Jay was young at the time and in a stressful situation. He was in a new country where it kinda feels like he ought to belong, considering he has Korean blood in him, but at the same time, he doesn’t belong because he hadn’t grown up there. He was without family, without his old friends, and without the comforts of being well-acquainted with his environment. And he wrote some of those comments when he was 17. As a teenager, he exaggerated a bit and expressed his discomfort and loneliness in a different way than he really meant. I’m sure he never really meant that he hated Koreans…I mean, he’s Korean himself and his family is Korean…

So some of the netizens went into a frenzy about these MySpace comments and Jay issued an apology. Some netizens then added fuel to the scandal. Apparently, Jay couldn’t sing the Korean National Anthem correctly in some program and some of the netizens jumped on that. From what I gather, there have been some extreme comments against Jay, saying that he should be taken off the show, his career should be over, etc.

Although I do feel that Jay’s MySpace comments were worthy of an apology, I feel that that’s as far as it should go. I’m sure Jay has learned his lesson by now as to how careful he needs to be with his public persona. And how that public persona also needs to include what is on the internet.

But taking it further than that is wrong. The context needs to be remembered. Jay has lived most of his life in America. And while some families maintain the influence of the Korean culture in their lives, some do not. He had less opportunity and less reason to learn the Korean National Anthem. It makes sense.

Going so far as to saying that Jay’s career should be over and that he should be kicked off a show is too extreme, in my opinion. He has apologized and ought to feel remorseful for what he has done. Whether he does actually feel remorse or not, we’ll never know, but regardless, he has certainly learned his lesson that the internet is a dangerous place and that he needs to be careful with his words. He’s a public persona now, and needs to watch what he is doing.

You also can’t attribute the characteristics and actions of one person or a small section of a group to the whole group. With that said, yes, I agree that some Korean netizens take things to the extreme. However, you also can’t make a generalization that all Korean people are like that or that Korea, the country, is like that. I’ve been reading through a lot of the comments on the blogs and there have been several that say things like Korea needs to chill out or that Koreans are always arrogant and things like that. Just as the attacking netizens need to try to think from Jay’s point of view, these commenters on Jay’s side also need to try to think from the netizens’ points of view. The culture is different, certainly. Again, this doesn’t excuse any behavior but rather adds understanding. In Korea, nationalism is very important. Korea is a tiny country that has basically been squashed on for many many years (generalizing, yes). Further generalization: Koreans have needed to band together and be strong to fight against bigger enemies coming to attack. This has translated into fierce national pride, furthered by the very much homogeneous nature of the country’s population. National pride can be a great thing – it’s just that there needs to be more care in that it is put to good use. In this case, I feel that using nationalism as the reason for feeling insult is right up to the apology. Going so far as to call Jay out of the entertainment industry is too extreme. Apparently, when other members of 2PM gave encouraging words to Jay, those netizens attacked the other members as well. The one I read about was that Wooyoung had written that it’s not that Jay is just one person, but that they are a team or something to that effect. From what I gather, Wooyoung never wrote that what Jay did wasn’t wrong. Wooyoung just lent his support to Jay during this hard time. I do not think it was right of those netizens to extend the blame and the negative view onto another whose only intention was to be there for a friend. Of course, this is only applying to those specific netizens who are calling for such extreme actions.

This brings me back to another facet of the issue that bothers me – making generalizations about people based on the actions of a few. I have been asked whether I’m North Korean or South Korean. This always makes me a bit upset and angry. North Korea and South Korea have only been separate countries for a bit over 50 years, yes? I am Korean(-American). North Korea and South Korea are made up of the same people, really. And even if I did have ancestors that came from where North Korea is now, what does it matter? Would that change your opinion of me? I, too, condemn what the government of North Korea has done in the past and is doing now. But I will NOT say that North Korea is made up of evil people or anything like that. Some people in North Korea have done some terrible things. There are people in every country in this world who have done terrible things. This does not mean that a nation as a whole or a whole ethnic group is bad.

Even so, I will say that sometimes stereotypes may hold a grain of truth. As humans, we have a lot of information we need to take care of, and yes, it is easier to manage when we can group things and make broad generalizations about them. Holding stereotypes is, quite frankly, a natural thing to do. However, the important thing is not to let those stereotypes keep you from individually getting to know someone or something. You can’t let it cloud your opinion of something or someone before you even got to know it. For example, say that I generally find that autobiographies are long and boring. That doesn’t mean that all of them are and that doesn’t mean that the autobiography I see on the shelf would be boring to me. Kind of a simplified example, but you get the gist of it.

Basically, my view is that both sides have done wrong. Jay was wrong to have made such comments and to have been careless to leave them up if that’s not what his views are now. The netizens who are bashing Jay and clamoring for Jay to leave the entertainment industry or other such extreme comments were wrong to have looked for any excuse to harm Jay’s image and to ask for such extreme action.

Hopefully this will all be peacefully figured out…

But I haven’t really heard much about it.

This is way different from what happened with A. When A passed away, there was this huge outpouring of support. There was a chain text message in honor of her, we lit candles for her, people organized a memorial at school and the painting of the rock…

None of that this time.

It makes sense, I guess. This wasn’t an accident. Of course, the school doesn’t want to make it look like they’re condoning suicide. And all of us were mostly in shock and it hasn’t really sunk in, so I guess that’s why showing support is so slow. We’re still just really confused. And it’s the second one this year – that also changes the dynamic.

But still.

And I’ve only heard from one person about what the funeral was like. Apparently, it was basically SUPER Jesus-y and then these two random old men came to give speeches. One told his life story for about ten minutes and didn’t mention D at all; the closest thing was about how all his kids went to the same college. And then the other one lectured about how suicide is bad and he said that he had never met D, but he was glad this happened because he hasn’t cried in years, and he cried after this. So he now knows he had a heart. Jeez, it took you the suicide of some stranger to tell you that you had a heart?

Obviously, I am biased because I knew D and because I am hearing this from only one source. But still, this just angers me.

For A’s funeral, I did get to go. That one was also too much Jesus and not enough A, and it seemed like the Reverend officiating didn’t know A at all. But still, everyone else that spoke talked about how A had touched their lives and how fantastic of a person she was.

Not this random stranger business.

Having a lot of religion is fine. Having strong faith can provide great support in times like these. I fully admire those who truly believe and who need their faith to help keep strong, though I am not religious myself. But I disagree when the religion overshadows the whole point of the funeral. I feel like the whole point of the funeral services is to memorialize the one who passed away – to remember all of the great things that she has done, the great person she was. It is NOT to try to convert more people to whichever religion. And D was atheist! Religion playing a huge role in her funeral just doesn’t make sense to me.

This is also why it bothers me that there were those two men who didn’t even know D. What business do you have speaking about somebody you don’t know when she passed away? What good do you do to those who are in pain and suffering? Keep things to yourself and let those who can truly remember her to speak and memorialize her.

And the lecture about how suicide was bad…Please let me know if I have this wrong, but people generally attend funerals because they are in mourning and because they’ve been touched and they loved the deceased. We’re already in pain – don’t you think we realize that suicide is bad? What, do you think that we think suicide is good when it took away somebody we loved?

And saying that suicide is bad, I feel, also carries a negative message about D. And although I don’t agree with what she did, and I am hurt and maybe even angry that she went through with it, I think that at this time, we should be trying to focus on the good things. About how she was smart and funny and so sweet. Not attaching this stigma to her and not painting her as a suicidal girl. She was far more than that. And at her funeral, I think it should be about remembering the good times that we had with her and what a light she shone on our lives.

A lot of people are angry at D for committing suicide. They say that she was selfish and that it was wrong. I admit it, I was angry at her too, for it. How come she didn’t trust any of us to even tell us about it? How come she didn’t think we cared enough about her to want to help? And yeah, in a way, this is an easy way out, leaving the rest of us in pain.

But there’s no point in being angry at a dead person. And more than angry, I am sad that she was in such a position that she felt that way. It’s tragic that she had gotten to such a point that she didn’t see anything in life worth living for. And I wish that I could’ve somehow made her see how precious life is, but it’s too late for that now.

It’s too late for anger or sadness to be of any use anyway – she’s gone. The best thing to do now, I think, is to just remember how lovely of  a person she was. There’s no point in blaming people, there’s no point in spreading rumors about her. Doing all that just vilifies her…and she wasn’t like that.

I don’t know. Throughout all of this, I’m just so confused and I don’t know how to feel or what to do. I’ve been avoiding thinking about it and it’s really easy for me to get absorbed in something else. But then I feel guilty that I haven’t grieved for her right. Bah. It just gives me a headache.

I wrote in my last post about my friend, D, who committed suicide a little over a week ago.

Well, apparently, that news has been going around, and one of my friends, J, from the city I lived in during middle school posted a LJ entry about how her mom called to ask if she was suicidal. And J went on to say that it was an Asian pre-med frosh who didn’t do so great in her classes and thus committed suicide.

I know J didn’t mean to hurt, and I probably would’ve said the same thing. But I feel like this is just trivializing the matter so much.

D wasn’t like that. Yes, D was an Asian pre-med frosh. That much is true. But to say that she killed herself solely because of not doing so hot in a few classes – that’s just demeaning her character. Even all through high school, we all had some hard times. Hell, our high school was hard. And yes, D cared about classes, but even in high school, if she didn’t do so great, she would be upset, but never overly so. She was not the type to sob if she got a 89%. And to say that that’s what caused her to give up on life – that’s just making her sound like a person who has totally perverted priorities. And she wasn’t like that.

I’m an Asian pre-med frosh, too. And yes, I care about grades, but I would never go to such an extreme of killing myself if I didn’t do well in a class. And neither would D. I can’t pretend to even comprehend, but I know D must have been in tremendous pain to have even considered killing herself, and it must be beyond anything I can understand if she would actually go through with it.

So this brings me to that stereotype. Yes, many pre-meds are Asian. And yes, many of them care ridiculously about grades. And I do think that there are many who have completely missed the point on life and want to be pre-med for the wrong reasons and focus their energies in the wrong direction. I, too, make that generalization that there are those who sacrifice their lives to slaving away for a 4.0 GPA when they don’t even actually want to be doctors, they just want to please their parents or make lots of money and have that status. I have many times before, and probably still will, thought that the majority of kids that are pre-med are in it for the wrong reasons. And I have been angry, because I have thought that many of them are way smarter than me and are willing to do nothing but study, whereas I’m not as smart and I want to do other things, but I want to be a doctor because I truly do want to help people.

But I guess this just shows that you never know, do you? On the outside, they may all seem to be like that. But maybe inside, they are good people and this is just their way of coping with life. And I have no right to judge them about what I think their way of life is, when I don’t even know them. To lay those bare ideas and say that Asian pre-meds are suicidal – that’s just a bundle of logical fallacies, isn’t it?

God, D, I’m sorry that your death has stirred up all of this controversy and that people are making you out to be a person that you’re not. I still don’t understand it. I’m still just so confused and shocked and just frustrated that this doesn’t make any sense to me.

But the important thing is that I love you. And I don’t know if I ever told you that when you were here with me. And I wish that you had known that I love you and that so many of us love you and that you had found that enough to overcome the pain you must have been feeling – But wishing is futile and I guess in this kind of a situation, the best thing to do is to focus on the love that we have for you. There’s no point in stirring up these horrible ideas.

So, D, I love you. I miss you. Rest in peace.